THE ELF ON THE SHELF REPORTS BACK TO AMERICA’S CHILDREN

Today Cleaver Magazine shared a story I helped get out into the world via WikiLeaks. It is a story of our troubled times. It is a story of troubled Christmas. Save the children. God bless us, everyone!

Editors' Blog!

Elf on a Shelf DollTHE ELF ON THE SHELF REPORTS BACK TO AMERICA’S CHILDREN
A Holiday Special

by Kelly McQuain

First, I would like to thank Mr. Julian Assange for giving me the opportunity to make these crimes public. I would also like to affirm that this is not my story alone. I, Snickerdoodle Snowcone, speak not only for myself, but on behalf of every other elf ever forced into espionage by the egomaniacal despot the world so endearingly refers to as Santa Claus.

Yes, we have been spying on you, boys and girls, at the strong-armed behest of our big red Boss. That’s what he likes to be called–The Boss–like he’s some sort of mafioso heavyweight instead of an aging toy peddler suffering from severe obesity and a bad case of the sugars.

Jolly? Not so much anymore. The hand tools The Boss once taught us elves to use now gather dust in…

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